Elephant As The Thinker
The GOP needs to get its head straightened out and think about what it truly wants

OK, GOP; What Are We Trying To Conserve?

September 21, 2023


Ah, here we go, you rambunctious revelers of reform! Buckle up, because we’ve got ourselves a heap of party soul-searching to do. Time to ask that gnawing question: What are we conservatives trying to conserve? Strap in, y’all!

First up, fiscal conservatism—our bread and butter, our rock and roll. You know it; I know it; even my grandma’s parrot squawks about it. We’re all about that responsible spending, keeping those purse strings tighter than a drum. But here’s the twist: if we spent less on stuff that ain’t working, we’d have more to support initiatives that do. Simple math, complex problems.

Now, about that ol’ chestnut—freedom. Ah, yes, the wind in our hair, the open road, the liberty to do as we please! But hold the phone, is freedom just a code for “my way or the highway”? Nah, it’s gotta mean freedom for everyone. And yes, that includes the right for pregnant women to have a safe abortion. Let’s be the party that champions freedom across the board, no asterisks, no fine print.

Here’s the spicy meatball: religion. Whoo boy, talk about a firestarter. Look, the GOP’s been God’s Own Party for a good stretch. But can we agree that the Almighty doesn’t play favorites? Whether you’re reading from the Bible, the Quran, or the Torah, we’re all dialing the same heavenly hotline. God’s presence should be felt, understood, and respected in all its forms, not just the King James variety.

And speaking of books, what’s with this new trend of banning ’em? Some of our conservative compatriots are freaking out over LGBTQ+ themes in school reading lists. Like, seriously? How ’bout we focus on what’s in our own kids’ backpacks instead of throwing shade on what other children read? Micromanaging morality through literature ain’t gonna cut it, amigos.

Let’s chat about the environment for a sec. “Conserve” is in our damn name, right? So why the hell are we letting our Earth go to pot? Forget about the red and blue squabbles; let’s go green, and not just with envy. We can champion sustainability without morphing into tree-hugging hippies, can’t we?

Next up, technology. Look, I love my grandpa, but I don’t want tech policy that’s as outdated as his flip phone. Digital advancement isn’t the enemy; it’s the racetrack. The question is, do we have the horsepower to keep up? If we’re sticking to traditions, let’s make sure they’re not the buggy whip variety.

Healthcare’s another hot potato. Shouldn’t conservatism mean keeping folks alive and well so they can, you know, contribute to society and the economy? A healthy workforce ain’t a handout; it’s an investment. No one’s asking for socialist witchcraft here, just some good ol’ American ingenuity.

And let’s not forget about our armed forces. We love our troops like bacon loves eggs, but could we maybe not send them into endless wars with no exit strategy? Being the world’s police is pricey and, frankly, pretty exhausting. The military isn’t a toy set; it’s real lives, real families.

A quick note on immigration: Sure, we need borders. Heck, even my vegetable garden has a fence. But let’s be smart, not just tough. Opportunity should be our export, not exclusion. There’s a way to do this without painting everyone as either a patriot or a pariah.

Speaking of painting, let’s talk about the arts. Creativity isn’t some liberal witchcraft; it’s the bedrock of culture, the glue of civilization. If we can support pipelines and pork barrels, surely there’s some spare change for paints and pianos.

As for education, what’s more conservative than investing in our future leaders? Let’s make our schools not just good, but world-class. How? More local control, less federal meddling, and a curriculum that prepares kids for the real world, not just a standardized test.

In the world of diplomacy, the stick’s had its moment; where’s the carrot? Relationships matter, and no, not the kind you swipe right for. Alliances aren’t a sign of weakness; they’re our first line of defense.

The justice system’s up next. Yeah, law and order are great, but so is fairness. A system that punishes the deed, not the demographic, is what we should be gunning for. Let’s be just as passionate about justice as we are about the order.

And taxes—ah, the itch we can’t quite scratch. We need a system that’s not a glorified guessing game. Simplify, don’t stupefy. People should know where their money’s going without needing a PhD in economics.

As for welfare, let’s be the hand up, not the handout. Conservatism should aim for empowerment, not entitlement. Social safety nets? Sure, but let’s make sure they’re springboards, not hammocks.

Don’t even get me started on infrastructure. Roads, bridges, airports—these aren’t political pawns; they’re the backbone of a functioning society. We can’t claim to be building a better future on a crumbling foundation.

Gun rights? By all means, protect the Second Amendment. But let’s also employ some common sense. A well-regulated militia doesn’t mean every Tom, Dick, and Harriet packing heat without a background check.

And finally, social issues. They’re the treacherous waters where many a political ship has sunk. Can we acknowledge that conservative doesn’t have to mean close-minded? Respecting tradition doesn’t require rejecting progress.

So, what are we trying to conserve, you earnest architects of political change? Tradition? Freedom? Prosperity? It’s high time we had this chat, not just among ourselves but with the whole damn nation. Looking forward to the discussion, without making a hard sell, of course. Because, ultimately, aren’t we all just seeking answers to the same looming questions?